March 30th

I am at home with my parents for spring break.

I don't really know how I'm supposed to live with my vision like this for three more months.  I feel like getting through the night is a tremendous burden.  I don't know exactly how to communicate the degree of my frustration.  I feel like I cannot do anything at all except wait and hope.  It is my final semester in school and I am falling far, far behind because I am unable to function.  I am crippled by depression.  I don't feel like anything is worth doing in this state.

I am frustrated because when I try to find information about my vision, all I find is horror stories.  Because all I can find is horror stories, websites that seem to be focused on scaring people away from the surgery, I get a lot of information about people who had a similar issue and for whom the situation was unable to be corrected.

If this can't be corrected, why wasn't I informed in advance that my pupils would dilate beyond the range of the treated area and cause problems?  They did dilate my pupils ... why wouldn't they have checked their size then?  My pupils dilate pretty big, and I can't see why they wouldn't have expressed that this was a larger risk ... but instead they told me I was a perfect candidate.  What's more, it seems to be the case that in standard indoor conditions -- that is, the same conditions in their office, without any eye-dilating drops -- I still encounter this problem.  What the fuck.


I don't even know what to do.  If this can't be corrected, treated, I see no way for my life to become worthwhile.

I talked to my parents today about withdrawing from school for the semester on medical grounds.

March 29th

Sometimes I am surprised at my own capacity for anger.

March 27th

I am very depressed and I hate having to mess with these eye drops all of the time.

I am even more depressed by how incredibly backward the world I live in is.

March 25th, Part Two: What's With the Sun

Since the surgery with lasers on my eyes (how the hell did I ever think that was a good idea?  it sounds terrifying!), I've come to realize something: I have become really reliant on the sun.  I mean, even more than I was before, and in a way that maybe I had never needed to rely on it before:  On muggy days, I wake up with double vision, and I go all day with double-vision and by the end of the day, I am miserable.  On sunny days, I wake up seeing clearly, and then I spend lots of time in the sunlight, reading or walking or whatever -- and being able to see clearly makes it worthwhile.

It's almost like, with these past few days of constant rain and clouds, with no sunshine, I was being held under water.  And then this morning the sun came back up, and after days of holding my breath, I made it back up to the air.

Of course, the sun will start its descent soon enough, and my vision will go with it; houselights just aren't bright enough.  Double-vision and glare will become the my reality again, and I will be pulled back under, waiting breathlessly for the next gold dawn.

March 25th, Part One

I procrastinate too much too often.  I've worked myself up into a fit of hopefulness about my vision situation, but actually living with it in the meantime is proving very difficult.  I'm back to wearing my glasses almost all of the time.  Boo hoo.

I have been feeling very, very nostalgic lately.

March 24th

I wish I could read at a million miles a minute.

March 23rd

As part of the pre-operative tests that the doctors run to rule out candidates for lasik surgery, the eyes are dilated and then they peer, searchingly, at those dilated eyes.

I wonder, did they measure the dilation of my eyes?  I'm skeptical.  If they did, wouldn't they have said "no" if the dilation was going to be so much wider than the treated area that I'd suffer double vision 80% of the time?  If my eyes dilate so much wider than the treated area that I can see, when I shift my vision from a bright place to a dark place, how the double-vision fills in as my eyes dilate to let in more light?

Why is that information not considered prior to the surgery?  Why was I told I was an excellent candidate instead of being told, for example, that my eyes dilate so wide that the surgery wouldn't treat the entire area that needs to be treated (or why wasn't the treatment modified to cover the entire area that my eyes were shown to dilate?)

I am not a happy person.  I'm very sick of seeing new games or movies released and thinking, "You know, that looks like maybe it isn't super bright all of the time.  There's no way I'll possibly be able to enjoy that."  Only being able to play video games when I can get direct sunlight beaming onto my face through the window really sucks.

March 21st

I got into an argument with a friend of mine the other day.  I say argument because there was some shouting involved, and an incredibly annoying tendency to walk away whenever he didn't have a good counter argument.

The core of his argument against me seemed to be that my refusal to acknowledge all opinions as equally valid meant that I was ... I don't know, really.  Just that all opinions must be treated as equally fair, and further that any information I cited (that is, factual information, statistics, etc) were "just my opinion" and so had no more weight that "anyone else's opinion."

The world must be a terrifying place when you've resigned yourself to the idea that all beliefs -- no matter  how ignorant, regressive, hateful, or pandering they are, regardless of any evidence that might show that the actions supported by those beliefs are ineffective or even counterproductive -- have equal validity.

March 20th

Hi, everyone.

March 18th

It is March 18th, 4:48, came inside because the sun was cooking me alive.  I spend a lot more time outside on the porch now than I ever did in the past, mostly because of the whole 'I need blinding sunlight to see clearly' thing.

That's all, really.  I argued with my friends about politics.  Nothing exciting.

Very frustrated today.  Every day that things stay the same and I lose a little bit more hope.  Forlorn is the word that comes to mind.

The sun still hasn't embraced us with fiery arms.

March 17th

Today is Saint Patrick's day.  Everyone is going to go out and drink.  I could probably do that too but I don't really feel like it.  I regret waking up again.  I can't focus on anything.  I feel like my entire world takes place in the blurred space between what is real and what I see instead.  I hate it and it saps my will to do anything at all.  I light my room up as best I can but it's still there.

I feel like my destiny is to live in a white-painted room with white every single thing and blaring, ceaseless white florescent lights just to keep myself sane.  Then everything will be fine with no dark colors to contrast against, I hope.  More realistically, though, if I can't find some kind of change, I'll just die miserable and alone (and poor, too, because how am I going to work if I can't concentrate on anything?)

When I was hopeful that things would improve with time, this blog seemed like a great idea.  Things might still improve with time.  I'm a little over a third of the way through the normal six-month healing process.  I think that it is fair to say that my vision is much clearer now than it was the week or two weeks after the surgery.  Better than when I couldn't open my eyes without tearing up, say.  Has it improved much since then?  No, I don't think so.  The glasses help but not with the part that is driving me crazy.  And it is driving me crazy.  This remains the single worst decision I have ever made in my entire life, and I feel like I will never recover from it.

My next meeting with the doctor is scheduled for June.  That is a really, really long time.

Let us rejoice that when the sun expands and swallows our world up in its fires, we will have all long since passed on.

March 16th

Okay, I gave it a full day, and I think I am comfortable with what I said yesterday: the glasses make my vision sharper, so I can read things more clearly, see more detail, etc -- but the glare and double-vision/ghosting/whatever the proper term is are essentially unchanged.

March 15th

Today I got my glasses back, with the new lenses from the doctor.

As glasses should do, they have improved the clarity of my vision; I can read things further off without squinting, etc.  I guess that's expected.  With that in mind I'm pretty much back to where I was with glasses before the surgery.  Except, you know, double vision is not enjoyable the glasses aren't doing anything to help with that.

It's only 2:45 in the afternoon.  I'll post again tomorrow with a further update I guess.  My hypothesis: "Double-vision and glare are exactly as awful with the glasses on as with the glasses off."  So far this has held true.  I'm not hopeful now, but maybe the sinking sun will prove me wrong.  At least I can read my monitor clearly when I sit back.  I missed that.

Have an nice day, readers.

March 12th

I returned to school yesterday, on the 11th.  My vision is still just as unclear as ever, and on Sunday especially it was causing me a great deal of frustration.  My parent's home isn't brightly lit, and since the surgery, my time spent there-in leaves me feeling like I'm living underwater; everything is washed out and indistinct, and the glare is especially atrocious.

The doctors told me not to cover a single eye or to close one eye a time, a habit I started after the surgery to compare the results between the two eyes.  They said that it confuses the brain and interferes with the ability to make a single, clear image.  However, closing my right eye helps to quell the worst of the double-vision (contrarily, closing just my left eye leaves the double-vision intact.)  It's difficult not to want to do it, but I try to follow direction.

I've considered that I might end up wearing an eyepatch like a mighty awesome pirate if things don't work out.  I'm hopeful with regards to the glasses the doctors are offering, but most of my research (granted, mostly anecdotal evidence) suggests that it might not be the life-saver I'm hoping for.  We'll see.

My parents are pushing me to see someone about the depression I've expressed to them, but I'm going to put that off until the glasses arrive.  No doubt if they arrive and don't help to alleviate this problem, my mood will sink lower yet, and then seeing a professional might become a necessary thing.

I've been looking into what I might face if I wanted to ditch this semester on medical grounds.  Between terrible eyesight and this misery, I have been falling further behind every day.  It is hard to focus in class when my attention is pulled constantly away from the lecture or topic at hand and forced toward the things that I see that I know are not an accurate reflection of reality.

I'm thinking about putting myself into sensory deprivation and seeing if I can force myself to hallucinate.  This isn't related necessarily to the surgery, but it might be related to my generally deflated mood lately.

Sorry for leaving my (non-extant) readers in silence for the last week.

Might the sun always light your way.

March 8th

Went to the doctor today. No noticeable change, afaik, since the last time I met with them.

They did more examinations; visual acuity, slit lamp, another one with concentric rings and flashing lights, and I can't remember what it's named.

Apparently I'm seeing at 20/40 and 20/30, for my left and right eyes, respectively.  When you hear about 20/20 or whatever vision, it's probably important to keep in mind that it doesn't account for things like persistent double-vision or blinding glare.  Decent vision in this sense doesn't account for the fact that I, for example, am all but blinded by headlights at night as starbursts obscure my vision.

My doctor suggested that I could use glasses in the meantime, and that they would prepare lenses for me (to be inserted into the frames I used before the surgery.) When I asked if the glasses would be able to help reduce the glare and ghosting I've been experiencing, he said that they should help.He said that they should increase my confidence and help with night vision issues (and night time is when these issues are at their worst for me.) I am hopeful but reserved.

May all of your days be bright.

March 7th

Went to sleep last night around 1:00 AM, became conscious this morning at around 11:00 AM, finally opened my eyes and got out of bed around 1:00 PM. Immediately caught the second image glow on the rim of a red solo cup I'd used for a glass of water, and felt that immediate surge of helpless anger that I've become very accustomed to.

Opened the windows to let light in, but it was cloudy.

Went to sit on the porch, where vision is clearer.

Mass Effect 3 came out yesterday; played that last night until my vision became too distracting to focus on the game itself.

Leaving for the bus shortly; appointment with the doctor tomorrow. Planning on being more assertive at this point, I can't keep listening to 'keep waiting' without something real to back it up. Will post tomorrow after the appointment.

May all your days be bright!

First! Background.

Okay, so it's March 7th, 3 days short of 2-months since I underwent LASIK surgery on both of my eyes, 57 days exactly.

I had the surgery on January 10th, and went home that same evening with intense itching in my eyes. They were so teary that I couldn't open them, and I didn't do anything at all until my follow-up appointment the day after surgery.

At that follow-up they said that everything seemed well.

That was still early and I assumed all of the problems I had encountered (blurriness, ghosting/slight double-vision, glare, etc) were part of the early healing process; I was told that 95% of the improvement would be afforded in the first week or so of recovery. While there was substantial improvement, the blurriness nor the double-vision didn't go away. The glare remained (and remains) a major problem for functioning in any situation that isn't outside, in broad daylight -- so far as to mean that cloudy days cause me problems.

My second check-up was on February 10th -- normally the second check-up would be a week later, but I live far from where the surgery was done and have to commute a few hours and schedule around classes to get to the doctor. At this appointment they determined that corneal flap created by the surgery on my right eye was wrinkled and they scheduled me to see the surgeon to have it 'refloated', cut and lifted again to smooth it out.

After the lift, I was stuck wearing the eye-shield for another week (which is used to keep a person from rubbing their eyes following refractive surgery), which damaged my sleep schedule (it was incredibly uncomfortable, and kept me from sleeping through the night.) Since then, the problems have been consistent with the first month, and even become worse: I still see ghost images, particularly with my right eye, though with my left as well now; glare remains a constant distraction, especially in dark areas with bright light sources (the front door of the house during the day, for example, causes me a great deal of distress.)

Each time I've seen my doctors and tried to explain my issues, they've told me that I should wait for the problems to sort themselves out.

Increasingly, I find that I am too distracted and frustrated to enjoy the things that I enjoy in my life: movies, television, video games, even reading causes. Almost anything that uses an artificial light source or back-lit screen causes problems, especially in the evening. Presently, using my laptop to write this in my bedroom, at 3 in the afternoon, with my bedroom light on and both of my windows open to allow light in, I'm distracted by the overflow of light from my monitor onto its frame.

Before the surgery, I relied heavily on glasses; I used to say that I couldn't see at all without them, and that was mostly true; I could hardly distinguish more than approximate shapes and colors of anything more than a few inches from my face. With my glasses, however, I was perfectly content. I underwent the surgery expecting that, at the worst, I would just continue wearing glasses and that I would have more reliable vision without them.

Now that I understand exactly what the possible complications suggested mean and research them more carefully, I'm finding that there may be no recourse for the problems I'm facing; "wait and hope" is what I'm hearing from my doctors, and I'm not certain what my options will be if that fails to work out.

I am constantly distracted by these vision problems. I was told that people who have this surgery are often excited to be able to wake up and immediately be able to see; instead, every morning I wake up and am immediately angered and frustrated at facing another day with these problems. I am reluctant to get out of bed every morning because I know that I'll be facing another day of frustration.

I am very unhappy as a result of this surgery; I feel an incredible amount of regret and anger toward myself as a result. I am depressed, in the colloquial sense, though it's becoming severe enough that I'm planning to see a professional; I would be surprised by now to discover that I'm not suffering from clinical depression. While it might seem unreasonable to pin that entirely on the results of the surgery, it is worth remarking that prior to the surgery, I was the happiest I've been in all of my life.

May all your days be bright!