April 1st

No, it's not an April Fool's joke day.  Misery means my sense of humor kind of sucks lately.

I am more and more frustrated the more time that passes.  I keep reminding myself that my doctor -- and everyone else -- says that reaching optimum vision clarity can take up to six months.  I cannot, however, find anyone who says that they needed six months to reach their best vision -- people either seem to be at their ideal state by 6 weeks, or they're still suffering after years.  I'm coming onto three months soon, and my vision hasn't changed meaningfully in weeks.  I'm very confident that the issue is related to the size of the treatment area; I can literally see the glare/ghosting/doublevision/whatever show up when I remove a light source from my field of view, and watch it diminish when I add one.  Unfortunately, I can't live my entire life with a pair of lights shining in my eyes.

Living is so much harder than it used to be.

Withdrawing from school isn't really an option.  If I were to do so, my student loans would begin coming due during next semester.  Student loans are incredibly terrifying to me now: finding a job is going to be even harder considering how debilitating these vision issues are.  I can't focus in normal indoor lighting situations, absolutely cannot focus in dim or dark situations, can't drive a vehicle at night, etc -- the job market is already terrible, and thanks to this surgery, I'm even less employable.

As an aside, every post that I've made in the early hours of the morning -- such as this one -- are written because I've been up all night desperately searching for someone in my situation with a success story.  I haven't had much luck.  Like tonight, I want to go to sleep, but I know that once I close my laptop and turn out the lights, I'll be up all morning anyway, lying in bed and trying to convince myself that life is still worth living.


Unrelated: If I had a million dollars, I would pay off all of my family's debt (which is a lot right now, but wouldn't be a lot if I had a million dollars,) and then I would find some way to invest the rest, and I could live comfortably off of the interest if I could get a 5-7% annual return on it.  I don't need lots of expensive things.  Why do I write about this?  Because why shouldn't I dream.  If I could, I would live in California maybe, or New York.